Yippee what a ride

"Life is not a journey to the end with the intention of arriving safely,
in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather a skid in sideways,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming.
Yippee what a ride!

How to turn your date off

A few pointers on how to turn your date off and guarantee no come backs.
Please feel free to add any others that come to mind.

Be sure to arrive dirty! Crumpled, dirty, smelly clothes with the remains of breakfast still clinging to your top. Bonus points for tattered and torn, over stretched garments. And for the men who forget to do up their flies!

Be sure to have sweated copiously through your underarms, leaving big concentric sweat rings that framing your armpits Put your hands behind your head during your date in a relaxed way, and wow them with the smell and sight. Even better if you have bushes of hair protruding.

Don't wash your hair for a couple of weeks. Shiny hair sticking down against your head is a real plus point, Dandruff blizzards and freshly-picked acne are an added bonus. All the more sexy pheromones you have collected over the weeks will do just the trick.

Reach right over at the start of the date and stick your tongue right down the back of their throat as you greet them. Brushing your teeth or using mouthwash before going out is cheating, and a diet of garlic bread, curry, and raw onions must be strictly adhered to during the week before your meeting.

Talk about yourself all night don’t let them get a word in edgeways. Be highly entertaining and boast about previous sexual conquests in detail. Exaggerate wildly about how much you earn, how much you drink, and well used you are.

If your date is female, avoid eye contact and talk to her tits all night, making it obvious that you want to see more.

If your date is male, stare at his ears, or nose making special comments on how large/small they are to the extremes.

Whinge incessantly about your shitty ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, what a bitch/bastard they were, and how they never understood you. Throw in a few remarks about 'all women' or 'all men'. Exhonerate yourself completely

Whinge incessantly about your parents, what bastards they are, and how they don't understand you. The older you are, the more important it is to do this, you are the helpless victim in all of this completely with out a chance.

Whinge incessantly about your boss and everyone you work with, what bastards they are etc. How much you do and how they expect you to do everything while they sit doing nothing, don’t forget you are perfect!

Disclose all your personal information in one go. That includes the boil on your bum, your criminal convictions – fabricate in the wildest manner, your STDS, the fact that you're being sued by someone, and are about to be left homeless.

While eating - Make loud slurping noises, drool, and talk with your mouth full for that sexy cement mixer effect. Go to the top of the class if you manage to spit food over your date while doing all this.

Get really drunk and obnoxious. Start crying. Throw up.

When the bill arrives, say: "You're paying, right?" This will make an even better impression if you've ordered the most expensive dishes on the menu.

Upon seeing the repulsed expression on their face, rub your hands together,
squeeze their arse cheek really hard, then wink saucily and say:
"Back to yours for a fuck then?"

Sexy Banans

The banana's sex life—or lack of it—is cause of growing concern to farmers and scientists. The domestic banana that and love is an asexual clone. No pollinated sex means no annoying seeds, which may be good news for hungry consumers but also means that there's little or no genetic variation.
How the banana has got away without sex for so many thousands of years owes much to the hand of man. Although wild bananas do pollinate their flowers—having the botanical equivalent of sex—their fruit is packed full of peppercorn-hard seeds, making them inedible.
The soft, yellow flesh of the edible varieties is the result of a mutation many thousands of years ago that rendered the fruits of these plants sterile. Being sterile, of course, is a major handicap in the wild—which is why the banana would not be where it is today without being propagated and carried there by humans.
The banana is, after all, an ideal food for many reasons. At least one imaginative creationist has seriously suggested that its near-perfect design is evidence of God's existence.
It is ergonomically shaped to fit the human hand, with a non-slip surface. It has an outward indicator of ripeness—green, yellow and black. Its disposable wrapper has a tab at one end for removal and perforated edges for easy pealing. Add the fact that the banana has a pointed end and curved shape for easy entry into the mouth, and who could argue that it was indeed an act of divine inspiration?
Tapping the genetic variety of the wild, sexually active varieties of the plant may help to maintain the "top banana" status of the fruit.
Improving on nature, however, is what the banana has relied on for it phenomenal success and ubiquity.
Where would we be without the banana? And, equally, where would the banana be without us?

On a more serious note;
The All-Russian Banana Party, headquartered in the Russian northern city of Vologda, is seriously concerned with the problem of using bananas in sex. On the one hand, African peoples have long abandoned the ritual of a festive defloration of virgins using bananas, the proceedings of the latest BP session state (as for Russia, the ritualistic intercourse using a bone knob had been abandoned even earlier). On the other hand, it seems impossible to somehow ban a long-rooted habit of modern people to encourage themselves, when in bed, with carrots and bananas. Heated debates which broke out at the above BP session over the issue, were finally subdues by the argument that AIDS was not banana-transmitted. So, the Russians are allowed, from March 8th (International Women’s Day) on to rightfully use bananas for any purpose. The presidium of the Banana Party also approved in the first reading the instruction on a non-target use of bananas, according to IMA-press news agency. The agency, however, retrains from citing the instruction - out of ethical considerations.

road rage

Have you been accused of being a "RAGER" of the road kind? Have those drives into work or school become increasingly colourful in language and have the old road signals turned into gestures of the most obscene kind? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then maybe it's time for you to test your ROAD RAGE QUOTIENT. That is, if you have the patience to sit for five minutes, get a piece of paper and answer the following questions. If this is too difficult...then quick run and get the drug of choice: prozac, zoloft, valium or ritalin . (No alcohol please. This is a road quiz!) OK......Ready? Start those engines.... 1. If you are driving in traffic in the fast lane and the person in front of you is driving the speed limit do you: a. slow down because you realize you are speeding b. slow down, turn on your signals and move into the other lane, and eventually move back into the fast lane c. tailgate the idiot d. turn on your high beams and honk your horn and tailgate e. zip into the slow lane; then zip into the fast lane while giving the finger and then slow down in front of the jerk. 2. You are in a parking lot looking for a parking space. You spot an empty place but there is a woman standing in the middle of the space obviously saving the space for her husband who is nowhere to be seen. Do you: a. move on and look for another place b. give her a dirty look and then move on c. swear at her telling her to "move her fat butt" d. act like you are going to drive into her e. drive into the spot just missing her by an inch 3. You are stopped at a traffic light and the light has just turned green. The person in front of you is chatting on a cell phone. Do you. a. wait calmly, realizing that it will only be a second or two b. wait a second, put on your signals and move into another lane c. honk your horn and yell out your window "Pay Attention Idiot" d. zoom up quickly behind the person, honking madly e. zoom up behind ,swerve beside the person, ranting and raving then in the middle of the intersection slow down in front of the person and then zoom off. 4. A person is tailgating you. Do you: a. as soon as it is safe, signal and pull into another lane b. continue on because you are going the speed limit c. stick your hand out the window and give them the finger d. slow down even more and make it impossible for the idiot to get into another lane e. slow down, then speed up, then slow down again and slam on the brakes. 5. When you are in your car how often are you ranting and raving: a. almost never b. occasionally c. most of the time d. 99% of the time e. 100% of the time in the car and 50% of the time outside of the car once you've reached your destination 6. Which of the following groups of people do you find have poor driving skills: a. sorry I can't really categorize them b. people who drive for a living c. people from other ethnicity than your own, women drivers, taxi drivers d. other ethnicity, women, teenagers, older people, people with glasses, taxi drivers, blondes, people who are so short that they can't be seen behind the wheel, minivan drivers, sports car drivers, truckers, e. all of the above plus brunettes, black haired people, bald people, red heads, punk hair coloured people, members of the hair club 7. I find driving to be: a. fun and relaxing b. relaxing when I'm alone on the road, but nerve wracking in city traffic c. challenging but dangerous d. a good place where I can really let loose and express myself e. a place where I show the rest of the world what a bunch of incompetents they are 8. My driving skills are: a. good b. great c. better than most on the road d. superior e. I am the best ; no one comes close to my skill 9. You are driving down the road going your usual speed when you spot a woman putting on her makeup. Do you: a. laugh and continue on your way. b. drive by and give her a dirty look c. speed past her and yell "Forget it; It won't help" d. speed past give her the finger, yell obscenities e. same as 'd' but also cut in front of her and slam on the brakes 10. Which phrase fits best how you feel: a. I like people b. I like some people c. Most people suck d. I like people when they are not around e. I like people once they're dead. OK folks...time to tally up those numbers. Give yourself the following points for each letter For every "a" give yourself 0 points For every "b" give yourself 2 points For every "c" give yourself 3 points For every "d" give yourself 4 points For every "e" give yourself 5 points........

Drivers....

It amazes me how people take their anger out on their cars... The last evening I was in Johannesburg there was an accident in the complex. The speed limit 20km, children and animals play peacefully not expecting any one to be racing round. I was just about to call the children in when I heard a long bang and shattering of glass... my heart lept and out I ran... a man had been arguing with his girlfriend and let his anger out on the car. He had hit a stationary car and pushed it over into the adjacent parking. With my stress levels running at a high, I opened his door and asked - "What were you thinking? You are so lucky that you never hit any of the children..." and then my attention turned to his girlfriend ... she had not been wearing a seat belt and her head had gone through the windscreen!

25 oct 2007

Bad driving

Driving down the highway in my little MR2, it is a warm sunny afternnon and I have the roof down - not a fancy car but I feel comfortable in her. I leave the highway and am about to turn right, when suddenly a woman infront of me decides she is going to come across into my lane with no indication.... I give way to her but shake my head and shrug my shoulders.... strange changing lanes had been unneccessary. Suddenly she is gesticulating at me - I smile this is something I am not accustomed to. We stop further along at the traffic lights and she proceeds to get out of her car... A big woman, looking like she is coming in for the kill. I look at my son sitting next to me, giggle and say "I wonder what she is going to do next!" She took a look at my son - dressed in black - a big man - and thought twice.... retreating to her car I wonder what was going through her mind... And then as we over took her my son and I waved and blew her kisses.... Is this the way to behave when you have children in your car was what I was going to ask her.. how can a person expect their children to respect them when they behave like idiots?

Oct 25, 2007

Friendship is a priceless gift

Friendship is a priceless gift
That cannot be bought or sold
And its value is far greater than
A mountain made of gold
For gold is cold and lifeless
It can niether see nor hear
And in the time of trouble
It is powerless to cheer
It has no ear to listen
No heart to understand
And can not lend a helping hand
So when you ask god for a gift
Be thankful if he sends
Not diamonds pearls or riches
But the love of a real true friend