Mothers

REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

Lost love is a hole in the heart.

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

Sex has no calories.

Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

No sex with anyone in the same office.

Sex is like snow, because you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Virginity can be cured.

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

It is always the wrong time of month.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night... Then, on Sunday, pray for crop failure.

The younger the better. (Murphy's Law - not mine)

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

Lost love is a hole in the heart.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught

Building walls

I built myself a solid wall
To fend me from life’s care
To keep out agonies and hurts
I could no longer bear
I vowed to keep away from love
From emotions to be free
Believing that they brought but pain
How cruel I was to me
For when the wall was strong and sound
And I secure inside
I found what misery really meant
My friends were all outside

They are flowers really

One day whilst working in my garden
My neighbour said I beg your pardon
But I have spied a noxious weed
And it is about to go to seed
Allow me to remove the pest
For noxious weeds I do detest
I lept up and pushed her to one side
Saying in a voice quite horrified
When you have come right to your senses
You will se that is the rare horrida natalensis
The neighbour was apologetic
Explained she had never studied plant genetics
She is a rare breed – one of those
Who cant tell a daisy from a rose
And while her yard is neat and clean
There is not a flower to be seen.

Yippee what a ride

"Life is not a journey to the end with the intention of arriving safely,
in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather a skid in sideways,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming.
Yippee what a ride!

How to turn your date off

A few pointers on how to turn your date off and guarantee no come backs.
Please feel free to add any others that come to mind.

Be sure to arrive dirty! Crumpled, dirty, smelly clothes with the remains of breakfast still clinging to your top. Bonus points for tattered and torn, over stretched garments. And for the men who forget to do up their flies!

Be sure to have sweated copiously through your underarms, leaving big concentric sweat rings that framing your armpits Put your hands behind your head during your date in a relaxed way, and wow them with the smell and sight. Even better if you have bushes of hair protruding.

Don't wash your hair for a couple of weeks. Shiny hair sticking down against your head is a real plus point, Dandruff blizzards and freshly-picked acne are an added bonus. All the more sexy pheromones you have collected over the weeks will do just the trick.

Reach right over at the start of the date and stick your tongue right down the back of their throat as you greet them. Brushing your teeth or using mouthwash before going out is cheating, and a diet of garlic bread, curry, and raw onions must be strictly adhered to during the week before your meeting.

Talk about yourself all night don’t let them get a word in edgeways. Be highly entertaining and boast about previous sexual conquests in detail. Exaggerate wildly about how much you earn, how much you drink, and well used you are.

If your date is female, avoid eye contact and talk to her tits all night, making it obvious that you want to see more.

If your date is male, stare at his ears, or nose making special comments on how large/small they are to the extremes.

Whinge incessantly about your shitty ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, what a bitch/bastard they were, and how they never understood you. Throw in a few remarks about 'all women' or 'all men'. Exhonerate yourself completely

Whinge incessantly about your parents, what bastards they are, and how they don't understand you. The older you are, the more important it is to do this, you are the helpless victim in all of this completely with out a chance.

Whinge incessantly about your boss and everyone you work with, what bastards they are etc. How much you do and how they expect you to do everything while they sit doing nothing, don’t forget you are perfect!

Disclose all your personal information in one go. That includes the boil on your bum, your criminal convictions – fabricate in the wildest manner, your STDS, the fact that you're being sued by someone, and are about to be left homeless.

While eating - Make loud slurping noises, drool, and talk with your mouth full for that sexy cement mixer effect. Go to the top of the class if you manage to spit food over your date while doing all this.

Get really drunk and obnoxious. Start crying. Throw up.

When the bill arrives, say: "You're paying, right?" This will make an even better impression if you've ordered the most expensive dishes on the menu.

Upon seeing the repulsed expression on their face, rub your hands together,
squeeze their arse cheek really hard, then wink saucily and say:
"Back to yours for a fuck then?"

Sexy Banans

The banana's sex life—or lack of it—is cause of growing concern to farmers and scientists. The domestic banana that and love is an asexual clone. No pollinated sex means no annoying seeds, which may be good news for hungry consumers but also means that there's little or no genetic variation.
How the banana has got away without sex for so many thousands of years owes much to the hand of man. Although wild bananas do pollinate their flowers—having the botanical equivalent of sex—their fruit is packed full of peppercorn-hard seeds, making them inedible.
The soft, yellow flesh of the edible varieties is the result of a mutation many thousands of years ago that rendered the fruits of these plants sterile. Being sterile, of course, is a major handicap in the wild—which is why the banana would not be where it is today without being propagated and carried there by humans.
The banana is, after all, an ideal food for many reasons. At least one imaginative creationist has seriously suggested that its near-perfect design is evidence of God's existence.
It is ergonomically shaped to fit the human hand, with a non-slip surface. It has an outward indicator of ripeness—green, yellow and black. Its disposable wrapper has a tab at one end for removal and perforated edges for easy pealing. Add the fact that the banana has a pointed end and curved shape for easy entry into the mouth, and who could argue that it was indeed an act of divine inspiration?
Tapping the genetic variety of the wild, sexually active varieties of the plant may help to maintain the "top banana" status of the fruit.
Improving on nature, however, is what the banana has relied on for it phenomenal success and ubiquity.
Where would we be without the banana? And, equally, where would the banana be without us?

On a more serious note;
The All-Russian Banana Party, headquartered in the Russian northern city of Vologda, is seriously concerned with the problem of using bananas in sex. On the one hand, African peoples have long abandoned the ritual of a festive defloration of virgins using bananas, the proceedings of the latest BP session state (as for Russia, the ritualistic intercourse using a bone knob had been abandoned even earlier). On the other hand, it seems impossible to somehow ban a long-rooted habit of modern people to encourage themselves, when in bed, with carrots and bananas. Heated debates which broke out at the above BP session over the issue, were finally subdues by the argument that AIDS was not banana-transmitted. So, the Russians are allowed, from March 8th (International Women’s Day) on to rightfully use bananas for any purpose. The presidium of the Banana Party also approved in the first reading the instruction on a non-target use of bananas, according to IMA-press news agency. The agency, however, retrains from citing the instruction - out of ethical considerations.