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Sunday, 22 June 2008
Cyber wishes
We have so much in common,
Concerns, likes and dislikes.
Ours is a relationship joined by
Tender velvet chains that link our
similar dreams of life and love.
A gentle intuition guides us in our
individual struggles to succeed
at the things we pursue, to stand
out from the crowd.
Here I have found so much of myself,
Including many of the same
Insecurities and philosophies.
Complete inner-peace and happiness,
These things I wish for all of you,
in the present and in the future
because you are my kindred spirits.
Premonitions
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Persied Meteor shower 11/08/07
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Learning some interesting things about men 14/08/07
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A good man
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One liner intros
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Wednesday, 18 June 2008
What to do if your plane is about to crash
You are one of a group of people on board an airplane. Suddenly the pilot enters the cabin and says you are about to crash. Sadly there is only one parachute left.
Pessimist:
You refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway.
Optimist:
You refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps like this before.
Bureaucrat:
You order a feasibility study on parachute usage in a multi engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Internal Revenue Service:
You confiscate the parachute along with the luggage, wallets and gold filings.
Engineer:
You make another parachute out of curtains and dental floss.
Mathematician:
You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Philosopher:
You ask how we can know the parachute actually exists.
Psychoanalyst:
You ask what shape the parachute reminds them of.
Dramatist:
To tie them down so that they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Artist:
You hang the parachute on a wall and sign it.
Environmentalist:
You refuse to take the parachute unless it is biodegradable
Pessimist:
You refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway.
Optimist:
You refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps like this before.
Bureaucrat:
You order a feasibility study on parachute usage in a multi engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Internal Revenue Service:
You confiscate the parachute along with the luggage, wallets and gold filings.
Engineer:
You make another parachute out of curtains and dental floss.
Mathematician:
You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Philosopher:
You ask how we can know the parachute actually exists.
Psychoanalyst:
You ask what shape the parachute reminds them of.
Dramatist:
To tie them down so that they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Artist:
You hang the parachute on a wall and sign it.
Environmentalist:
You refuse to take the parachute unless it is biodegradable
Asoldier and a civilian
You stay up for 16 hours
He stays up for days on end.
You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.
You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.
You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.
You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.
You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.
You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.
Your mom makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 5 months.
You call your boyfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
You hug and kiss your boyfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.
You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.
You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.
You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.
You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told even if it puts his life in danger.
You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.
You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.
If you support your troops, re-post this with "WE MISS YOU"
If you don't support your troops well, then don't re-post, it's not like you know the men and women that are dying to preserve your rights
He stays up for days on end.
You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.
You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.
You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.
You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.
You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.
You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.
Your mom makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 5 months.
You call your boyfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
You hug and kiss your boyfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.
You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.
You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.
You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.
You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told even if it puts his life in danger.
You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.
You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.
If you support your troops, re-post this with "WE MISS YOU"
If you don't support your troops well, then don't re-post, it's not like you know the men and women that are dying to preserve your rights
What pornos would have you believe
Women wear high heels to bed.
Men are never impotent.
When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
Women always orgasm when men do.
A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding ticket.
All women are noisy fucks.
People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
Those tits are real.
A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
If there is two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)
Double penetration makes women smile.
If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
There's a plot.
When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
Nurses suck patient's cocks.
Men always pull out.
When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
Women never have headaches... or periods.
When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
Assholes are clean.
A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a cock there.
Men don't have to beg.
When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
Men are never impotent.
When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
Women always orgasm when men do.
A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding ticket.
All women are noisy fucks.
People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
Those tits are real.
A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
If there is two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)
Double penetration makes women smile.
If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
There's a plot.
When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
Nurses suck patient's cocks.
Men always pull out.
When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
Women never have headaches... or periods.
When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
Assholes are clean.
A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a cock there.
Men don't have to beg.
When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
England goes smoke free 1st July 2007
It's out with the ashtrays and in with fresh air, what will the average local pub smell of? How about crisp cotton, apples or roses? Those are just some of the "ambient scents" to help cover up smells such as stale beer and old buildings -- not to mention less hygienically conscious drinkers -- that were previously masked by clouds of cigarette smoke in pubs across England.
Why is smoking in public being banned?
Medical experts agree that secondhand smoke kills and that there is no safe level of exposure. The growing concerns over the health risks of passive smoking, which accounts for more than 12,000 deaths in the UK each year, are behind the ban on smoking in public places, which comes into effect from 6am next Sunday.
Next week it will be illegal to smoke in almost all enclosed public spaces across England - including workplaces such as pubs, cinemas, offices, factories and public transport. Outdoor smoking shelters will need to have at least half the area open to the elements to avoid being termed an enclosed space.
Are there any loopholes?
People will still be allowed to smoke outside and at home. This will include parts of residential care homes, barracks, psychiatric hospitals and prisons. Hotel guests can light up if they book into a smoking room. And performers will be able to smoke if it is necessary for "artistic integrity" - perhaps a little marijuana? giggles. The Commons and Lords have committed to going smoke free from 1 July.
How will it be policed?
Smokers who defy the banface a fine of up to £200. Businesses that fail to display no-smoking signs or that turn a blind eye could be fined £2,500. Ironically, Cherie Blair has been hired to help a London nightclub owner fight the ban in the courts.
Where else has smoking been banned?
England will be the last part of the UK to bring in a smoking ban, following Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales. Smoking has also been banned in a number of public places in countries such as Ireland, New Zealand and Norway, as well as parts of Australia, Canada and the United States.
What's next?
Smokers will be prevented from fostering young children under new guidelines to be published on the day the smoking ban comes into force. Employers are encouraged to give people time off to go to stop-smoking clinics. Many local authorities no longer allow staff to have cigarette breaks and Liverpool City Council is threatening to boycott smokers who refuse to stop smoking during home visits from council staff
Why is smoking in public being banned?
Medical experts agree that secondhand smoke kills and that there is no safe level of exposure. The growing concerns over the health risks of passive smoking, which accounts for more than 12,000 deaths in the UK each year, are behind the ban on smoking in public places, which comes into effect from 6am next Sunday.
Next week it will be illegal to smoke in almost all enclosed public spaces across England - including workplaces such as pubs, cinemas, offices, factories and public transport. Outdoor smoking shelters will need to have at least half the area open to the elements to avoid being termed an enclosed space.
Are there any loopholes?
People will still be allowed to smoke outside and at home. This will include parts of residential care homes, barracks, psychiatric hospitals and prisons. Hotel guests can light up if they book into a smoking room. And performers will be able to smoke if it is necessary for "artistic integrity" - perhaps a little marijuana? giggles. The Commons and Lords have committed to going smoke free from 1 July.
How will it be policed?
Smokers who defy the banface a fine of up to £200. Businesses that fail to display no-smoking signs or that turn a blind eye could be fined £2,500. Ironically, Cherie Blair has been hired to help a London nightclub owner fight the ban in the courts.
Where else has smoking been banned?
England will be the last part of the UK to bring in a smoking ban, following Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales. Smoking has also been banned in a number of public places in countries such as Ireland, New Zealand and Norway, as well as parts of Australia, Canada and the United States.
What's next?
Smokers will be prevented from fostering young children under new guidelines to be published on the day the smoking ban comes into force. Employers are encouraged to give people time off to go to stop-smoking clinics. Many local authorities no longer allow staff to have cigarette breaks and Liverpool City Council is threatening to boycott smokers who refuse to stop smoking during home visits from council staff
Viagra to be banned at Olympics
Winning By a Head: Olympics to Ban Viagra?
By HARDY JOHNSON
ERSEY CITY — The international sports world erupted in controversy yesterday as French Olympic officials challenged Russian sprinter Ivando Yurkov's gold medal in the 500-meter dash. The French delegation alleges that the photo-finish victory was invalid because the Russian won the race by the length of his erect penis. Furthermore, the French claim that the Russian trainers dosed Yurkov with Viagra to keep his penis hard during competition, thereby giving him an unfair advantage of 25 cm (nearly 10 inches).
"We've never had a situation like this before," said Olympic arbitrator Leon
Furbish. "Races have been won by a nose before, but never by a cock."
In video of the race, a prominent protrusion from Yurkov's shorts can be
seen breaking the waist-high ribbon at the finish line, as French silver
medalist Pierre Pettit appears to match Yurkov stride for stride.
Russian officials maintain that Yurkov earned his medal fair and square, and
deny any hanky panky. "Ivando was just excited to be competing in an Olympic
event," said Russian track coach Hugo Balsakski. "There is no rule against
having a hard-on during the Games." Besides, the Russians contend, even if
Yurkov had taken Viagra, the drug is not on the Olympic list of banned
substances.
"I guess Viagra could be considered a 'performance enhancing' drug in one sense and could be said to increase stamina," says sports medicine expert Dr. Harry Palmer. "But that's not really what the Olympics had in mind when they made up the list of banned drugs."
"Those sissy French are just jealous that Russian men are so virile and well-endowed," added Balsakski. "Have you ever seen the French athletes in the locker room? They are hung like, how do you say...escargots. Russian women have bigger dicks than the French."
Yurkov could not be reached for comment. He is recovering from exhaustion and injuries sustained after being mobbed by dozens of female fans after the race.
By HARDY JOHNSON
ERSEY CITY — The international sports world erupted in controversy yesterday as French Olympic officials challenged Russian sprinter Ivando Yurkov's gold medal in the 500-meter dash. The French delegation alleges that the photo-finish victory was invalid because the Russian won the race by the length of his erect penis. Furthermore, the French claim that the Russian trainers dosed Yurkov with Viagra to keep his penis hard during competition, thereby giving him an unfair advantage of 25 cm (nearly 10 inches).
"We've never had a situation like this before," said Olympic arbitrator Leon
Furbish. "Races have been won by a nose before, but never by a cock."
In video of the race, a prominent protrusion from Yurkov's shorts can be
seen breaking the waist-high ribbon at the finish line, as French silver
medalist Pierre Pettit appears to match Yurkov stride for stride.
Russian officials maintain that Yurkov earned his medal fair and square, and
deny any hanky panky. "Ivando was just excited to be competing in an Olympic
event," said Russian track coach Hugo Balsakski. "There is no rule against
having a hard-on during the Games." Besides, the Russians contend, even if
Yurkov had taken Viagra, the drug is not on the Olympic list of banned
substances.
"I guess Viagra could be considered a 'performance enhancing' drug in one sense and could be said to increase stamina," says sports medicine expert Dr. Harry Palmer. "But that's not really what the Olympics had in mind when they made up the list of banned drugs."
"Those sissy French are just jealous that Russian men are so virile and well-endowed," added Balsakski. "Have you ever seen the French athletes in the locker room? They are hung like, how do you say...escargots. Russian women have bigger dicks than the French."
Yurkov could not be reached for comment. He is recovering from exhaustion and injuries sustained after being mobbed by dozens of female fans after the race.
Happy hump day the origins
Wednesday is often referred to as "hump day" because of its position as the middle day of the work week. If the work week were a hill. Then Wednesday would be the crest. It is all down hill from there. (Whether the down hill ride is a coast or a descent into a swamp is left to the individual.)
The mid-day of the week is named for the Norse God, Odin. He was also known as Woden or Wotan. Unlike many of the other days of the week, this day did not correspond roughly with the Roman designation for the day.
(The Roman's named Wednesday for the messenger God - Mercury - In Romanian, the day is still known as miercuri).
The early Scandanavians and Germans believed that Odin was the chief God of Asgard and as such deserved to have a day of the week named for him. The Anglo-Saxons used the word, Wodnesdaeg.
The mid-day of the week is named for the Norse God, Odin. He was also known as Woden or Wotan. Unlike many of the other days of the week, this day did not correspond roughly with the Roman designation for the day.
(The Roman's named Wednesday for the messenger God - Mercury - In Romanian, the day is still known as miercuri).
The early Scandanavians and Germans believed that Odin was the chief God of Asgard and as such deserved to have a day of the week named for him. The Anglo-Saxons used the word, Wodnesdaeg.
Twisted humour
As I let go of my feelings of guilt,
I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself.
The second, to do nice things for myself.
The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe,
I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful, even the ugly,
stupid and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible,
for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than
"I told you so!"
False hope is better than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Before I criticize a man,
I walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry,
he's a mile away and barefoot
I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself.
The second, to do nice things for myself.
The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe,
I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful, even the ugly,
stupid and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible,
for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than
"I told you so!"
False hope is better than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Before I criticize a man,
I walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry,
he's a mile away and barefoot
Coke
I'd like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love,
Grow apple trees and honey bees, and snow white turtle doves.
I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony,
I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company.
It's the real thing, Coke is what the world wants today.
Developed in a brass pot in 1886, Coca-Cola is the most recognized and admired trademark around the globe. Not to mention the best-selling soft drink in the world!
Uses....
To clean a toilet
Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing " sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:
Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
To loosen a rusted bolt:
Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
To bake a moist ham:
Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
To remove grease from clothes:
Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
Barbecue Sauce:
One part coke 3 parts ketchup.
Dissolve a nail:
It will eat through a quarter inch diameter steel nail in about a day.
AND WE DRINK THIS STUFF!?!?!
In 1886, sales of "Coca-Cola" averaged only 9 drinks per day.
On May 29, 1886, the first print advertisement for "Coca-Cola" appeared in the The Atlanta Journal.
The first outdoor sign advertising "Coca-Cola" still exists. It was originally painted in 1894 and is located in Cartersville, Georgia.
In February 1901, Dixie Coca-Cola Bottling Company in Atlanta, Georgia changed it's name to The Coca-Cola Bottling Company.
In June 1904, advertising for "Coca-Cola" appeared in consumer magazine for the first time.
In March 1906, bottling operations began in Canada.
In 1927, The Coca-Cola Company began sponsoring its first radio program, "Vivian, The Coca-Cola Girl".
On April 12, 1960, the shape of the 6½ oz. hobbleskirt bottle was registered as a trademark.
In 1962, the trademark "Coke" was authorized to appear on all bottles.
In 1962, the 16 oz. bottle for "Coca-Cola" was approved for nationwide use.
In 1976, the 10 billionth gallon of "Coca-Cola" syrup was produced.
In July 1985, "Coca-Cola" was the first soft drink enjoyed in outer space on the Space Shuttle Challenger. A special space can was developed
[image]
1893 - The ideal brain tonic
1904 - Coca-Cola satisfies
1938 - Any time is the right time to pause and refresh
1941 - Completely refreshing
1945 - Coke means Coca-Cola
1950 - Time out for Coke
1955 - Taste Treat
1957 - Have Fun! Have a Coke
1960 - Cool off with Coke
1964 - You'll go better refreshed
1966 - Christmas without Coca-Cola --Bah, humbug!
1970 - Coke adds life to everything nice
1979 - Have a Coke and a smile
1980 - Coke is it
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grow apple trees and honey bees, and snow white turtle doves.
I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony,
I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company.
It's the real thing, Coke is what the world wants today.
Developed in a brass pot in 1886, Coca-Cola is the most recognized and admired trademark around the globe. Not to mention the best-selling soft drink in the world!
Uses....
To clean a toilet
Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing " sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:
Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
To loosen a rusted bolt:
Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
To bake a moist ham:
Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
To remove grease from clothes:
Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
Barbecue Sauce:
One part coke 3 parts ketchup.
Dissolve a nail:
It will eat through a quarter inch diameter steel nail in about a day.
AND WE DRINK THIS STUFF!?!?!
In 1886, sales of "Coca-Cola" averaged only 9 drinks per day.
On May 29, 1886, the first print advertisement for "Coca-Cola" appeared in the The Atlanta Journal.
The first outdoor sign advertising "Coca-Cola" still exists. It was originally painted in 1894 and is located in Cartersville, Georgia.
In February 1901, Dixie Coca-Cola Bottling Company in Atlanta, Georgia changed it's name to The Coca-Cola Bottling Company.
In June 1904, advertising for "Coca-Cola" appeared in consumer magazine for the first time.
In March 1906, bottling operations began in Canada.
In 1927, The Coca-Cola Company began sponsoring its first radio program, "Vivian, The Coca-Cola Girl".
On April 12, 1960, the shape of the 6½ oz. hobbleskirt bottle was registered as a trademark.
In 1962, the trademark "Coke" was authorized to appear on all bottles.
In 1962, the 16 oz. bottle for "Coca-Cola" was approved for nationwide use.
In 1976, the 10 billionth gallon of "Coca-Cola" syrup was produced.
In July 1985, "Coca-Cola" was the first soft drink enjoyed in outer space on the Space Shuttle Challenger. A special space can was developed
[image]
1893 - The ideal brain tonic
1904 - Coca-Cola satisfies
1938 - Any time is the right time to pause and refresh
1941 - Completely refreshing
1945 - Coke means Coca-Cola
1950 - Time out for Coke
1955 - Taste Treat
1957 - Have Fun! Have a Coke
1960 - Cool off with Coke
1964 - You'll go better refreshed
1966 - Christmas without Coca-Cola --Bah, humbug!
1970 - Coke adds life to everything nice
1979 - Have a Coke and a smile
1980 - Coke is it
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doesn't it balance out?"
So he says to me...
"But honey, I am so good to you
98% of the time
Can't you overlook that 2% when
I am an Asshole?
Doesn't it balance out?"
Well let's see...
2% of the time your one voice is
Raised against me calling me
A fat ass stupid bitch.
2% percent of the time
your one hand is
Cutting off the blood supply to my lower arm,
Your five fingers leaving marks there
For weeks to come.
2% of the time your a drunken lunatic
Your two hands at my throat,
And I am so scared I actually scream
Before you set me free.
2% of the time you're one faithless lover,
And I worry if someday you'll bring home
A disease that will kill me.
2% of the time you have 'No Time'
For my conversations
Not wanting to know
How I feel, what I want or need
Not even caring.
2% of the time you haven't a clue
How much I'd like to hurt you
Just 2% as much as you hurt me.
So
To answer your question...
No.
"But honey, I am so good to you
98% of the time
Can't you overlook that 2% when
I am an Asshole?
Doesn't it balance out?"
Well let's see...
2% of the time your one voice is
Raised against me calling me
A fat ass stupid bitch.
2% percent of the time
your one hand is
Cutting off the blood supply to my lower arm,
Your five fingers leaving marks there
For weeks to come.
2% of the time your a drunken lunatic
Your two hands at my throat,
And I am so scared I actually scream
Before you set me free.
2% of the time you're one faithless lover,
And I worry if someday you'll bring home
A disease that will kill me.
2% of the time you have 'No Time'
For my conversations
Not wanting to know
How I feel, what I want or need
Not even caring.
2% of the time you haven't a clue
How much I'd like to hurt you
Just 2% as much as you hurt me.
So
To answer your question...
No.
July 4
I have many fond memories of July the 4th.
We used to gather for large firework displays.
We would all be in fancy dress and sing songs
A small white community in the darkest of Africa.
July 4
Celebrated in the United States to commemorate
the adoption in 1776 of
The Declaration Of Independence
By the Continental Congress in
Philadelphia
Also known as the 4TH of July.
This date was chosen as America's Birthday
although the Declaration was only completed in August.
It was only in 1941 that this was declared a Public Holiday,
traditionally celebrated with fireworks, parades, pageants,
Patriotic speeches and the firing of Guns.
RED stands for hardiness and courage
WHITE is the symbol of Purity and Innocence
BLUE is the colour of Vigilence, perservence and justice
In 1787 the Bald Eagle with it's wings outspread was adopted as the National emblem.
The Eagle is shown with a shield on it's breast,a sheaf of arrows in one foot and an olive branch in the other.
When the eagle is placed on the American coat of arms it carries a scroll in it's beak bearing the Latin words
E Pluribus Unum
meaning
one out of many
The first Eagle on an American coin appeared in 1776 in Massachusetts
The Statue of Liberty National Monument officially celebrated her 100th birthday on October 28, 1986. The people of France gave the Statue to the people of the United States over one hundred years ago in recognition of the friendship established during the American Revolution. Over the years, the Statue of Liberty has grown to include freedom and democracy as well as this international friendship..
On the Fourth of July Lyrics
by JAMES TAYLOR
(James Taylor)
Shall I tell it again how we started as friends
Who would run into one another now and again
At the Yippee Cai O or the Mesa Dupree
Or a dozen different everyday places to be
I was loping along living alone
We were ever so brave on the telephone
Would you care to come down for fireworks time
We could each just reach
We step out of line
And the smell of the smoke and the lay of the land
and the feeling of finding one's heart in one's hand
and the tiny tin voice of the radio band singing
"love must stand"
Love forever and ever must stand
Unbelievable you, impossible me
The fool who fell out of the family tree
The fellow that found the philosopher's stone
Deep underground like a dinosaur bone
Who fell into you at a quarter to two
With a tear in your eye for the Fourth of July
For the patriots and the minutemen
And the things you believe they believed in then
Such as freedom, and freedom's land
And the kingdom of God and the rights of man
With the tiny tin voice of the radio band
Singing "love must stand"
Love forever and ever must stand
And forever must stand
Oh the smell of the smoke as we lay on the land
and the feeling of finding my heart in my hand
with the tiny tin voice of the radio band
singing "love must stand"
love forever and ever must stand
All on the Fourth of July
On the Fourth of July
I have many fond memories of July the 4th.
We used to gather for large firework displays.
We would all be in fancy dress and sing songs
A small white community in the darkest of Africa.
The Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies
Presented by the Indiana University School of Law—Bloomington
The Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor..
We used to gather for large firework displays.
We would all be in fancy dress and sing songs
A small white community in the darkest of Africa.
July 4
Celebrated in the United States to commemorate
the adoption in 1776 of
The Declaration Of Independence
By the Continental Congress in
Philadelphia
Also known as the 4TH of July.
This date was chosen as America's Birthday
although the Declaration was only completed in August.
It was only in 1941 that this was declared a Public Holiday,
traditionally celebrated with fireworks, parades, pageants,
Patriotic speeches and the firing of Guns.
RED stands for hardiness and courage
WHITE is the symbol of Purity and Innocence
BLUE is the colour of Vigilence, perservence and justice
In 1787 the Bald Eagle with it's wings outspread was adopted as the National emblem.
The Eagle is shown with a shield on it's breast,a sheaf of arrows in one foot and an olive branch in the other.
When the eagle is placed on the American coat of arms it carries a scroll in it's beak bearing the Latin words
E Pluribus Unum
meaning
one out of many
The first Eagle on an American coin appeared in 1776 in Massachusetts
The Statue of Liberty National Monument officially celebrated her 100th birthday on October 28, 1986. The people of France gave the Statue to the people of the United States over one hundred years ago in recognition of the friendship established during the American Revolution. Over the years, the Statue of Liberty has grown to include freedom and democracy as well as this international friendship..
On the Fourth of July Lyrics
by JAMES TAYLOR
(James Taylor)
Shall I tell it again how we started as friends
Who would run into one another now and again
At the Yippee Cai O or the Mesa Dupree
Or a dozen different everyday places to be
I was loping along living alone
We were ever so brave on the telephone
Would you care to come down for fireworks time
We could each just reach
We step out of line
And the smell of the smoke and the lay of the land
and the feeling of finding one's heart in one's hand
and the tiny tin voice of the radio band singing
"love must stand"
Love forever and ever must stand
Unbelievable you, impossible me
The fool who fell out of the family tree
The fellow that found the philosopher's stone
Deep underground like a dinosaur bone
Who fell into you at a quarter to two
With a tear in your eye for the Fourth of July
For the patriots and the minutemen
And the things you believe they believed in then
Such as freedom, and freedom's land
And the kingdom of God and the rights of man
With the tiny tin voice of the radio band
Singing "love must stand"
Love forever and ever must stand
And forever must stand
Oh the smell of the smoke as we lay on the land
and the feeling of finding my heart in my hand
with the tiny tin voice of the radio band
singing "love must stand"
love forever and ever must stand
All on the Fourth of July
On the Fourth of July
I have many fond memories of July the 4th.
We used to gather for large firework displays.
We would all be in fancy dress and sing songs
A small white community in the darkest of Africa.
The Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies
Presented by the Indiana University School of Law—Bloomington
The Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor..
Male stages of life
DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fianc�e is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 German Shepherd
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fianc�e is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 German Shepherd
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
Female stages of life
DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
Physics English conversions
For those who thought the hardest part of Physics was the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
Pors and Cons of Red Wine
Red Wine
The positive and a few negative aspect of wine, and red wine in particular.
Negative aspects
Alcohol: high alcohol consumption results in a higher blood pressure and may cause hypertension. It has a positive correlation with mouth- throat- and gullet (med. oesophagus) cancer; under certain circumstances with liver cancer and liver cirrhosis. But what is "high" or "too much"? This definition depends on the country you live in as well as you physiological condition. E.g. in the northern European countries, 2-3 glasses a day is considered more than enough, whereas the Mediterraneans think 5 glasses is still acceptable. Differences on a physiological basis: your body weight, dayly energy intake and the presence of ADH (= alcohol dehydrogenase, an enzyme in the stomach that degrades the alcohol before it can enter the blood stream).
Tannin: these compounds are plant polyphenols and may cause headaches. Tannins tend to bind starches while being digested. These starches are needed by the body to produce serotonin. In some people, who are extremely sensitive to their serotonin levels, it appears the lack of serotonin can lead to a migraine. It sort of "starves" the body for this type of raw material, much as not eating for many hours might lead this person to have the same migraine. Tannin sensitivity is also now thought to be cumulative - a person who begins life with no tannin sensitivities may yet develop one as he or she ages. People who are sensitive to tannins need to moderate their intake of tannins in all forms, and also be sure to eat a reasonable amount of food while ingesting tannins, so the binding affects of tannins do not cause undue stress.
But see also below at the positive aspects.
Sulfites: some people are sensitive to it.
That for the negative aspects, now the more favourable and pleasurable facts of red wine
Positive aspects
Reducing coronary heart diseases: the wine is altering the blood lipid levels. It lowers the total cholesterol count, and raises the high density lipoprotein (HD levels. This is supported by epidemiological studies: the polyphenols may be involved in this cardioprotective effect because of their antioxidant and free radical scavenging properties, resulting in decreased generation of oxidized lipids. The tested red wine extracts (cabernet-sauvignon grape variety) elicited enhanced NO generation, cyclic GMP accumulation and endothelium-dependent relaxation in rat aortic rings. Both anthocyanins and oligomeric condensed tannins appeared to be involved. Among the anthocyanins, delphinidin, but not malvidin or cyanidin, produced endothelial NO-dependent vasorelaxation (aka: it smooths the muscles of the blood vessels), indicating that only some specific structures are able to cause endothelium-dependent vasorelaxation, independently of their antioxidant properties. To achieve this effect, extracellular Ca2+ (=calcium ion) is needed for activation (of endothelial NO synthase activation). Summarizing: their findings suggest that one of the mechanisms of the cardioprotective effects of red wine and other plants containing polyphenols may be the increase in endothelial NO production induced by oligomeric condensed tannins and anthocyanins.
Red wine maintains the immune system: According to a study published by the University of Florida, red wine does not suppress the immune system like other alcoholic beverages. A two month study on mice has been performed to examine what immune system reactions red wine caused on mammals. The team examined mice of various drinking levels - non-drinkers, red wine drinkers, and heavy alcohol drinkers. They found that those who drank the red wine had a normal level of immunity, the same as that of the non-drinking mice. (The level of red wine consumption for the mice would equal that of a human drinking two or three glasses a night. But at the moment of writing (2001) they don't have a clue which compounds in red wine is causing this, but I'd go for the tannins.
Polyphenols in wine: like the tannin mentioned above, do have a positive effect on your body as well: they are excellent antioxidants. In short: they lower total cholesterol and blood pressure, lessen risks of cancer, stimulate the immune system, and have anti-bacterial properties. See the above mentioned aspects for more detail.
Resveratrol (trans-3,5,4'-trihydroxystilbene): is a naturally occurring antioxidant too that decreases the stickiness of blood platelets and helps blood vessels remain open and flexible. It is said that it inhibits the enzymes that can stimulate cancer-cell growth and suppress immune response. A series of laboratory experiments suggests the proof of this statement. However, this was only tested on animals. In another set of animal tests, resveratrol was shown to inhibit both the acute and chronic phases of inflammation (yet again the immune system). Wine is the primary dietary source of resveratrol, and red wine contains much greater amounts of resveratrol than does white wine, since resveratrol is concentrated in the grape skin and the manufacturing process of red wine includes prolonged contact with grape skins. Resveratrol has been used in connection with atherosclerosis too (a reduced risk of course).
Resveratrol is a phytoestrogen (= similar to estrogen, but from plant origin, and is known to inhibit tumors in the breast and uterus), but it differs from other phytoestrogens in that it acts as an estrogen agonist and stimulates ERE-driven reporter gene activity in CHO-K1 cells (I couldn't get access to ERE gene information, nor the exact description of CHO-K1 cells, but the context of the abstract implies increased DNA transcription activity of specific ERE-gene sequences in genetically modified(?) cells in rat uteri).
A brief calculation: a glass of red wine provides approximately 640 mcg of resveratrol, while a handful of peanuts provides about 73 mcg. The amount used in animals to prevent cancer, however, would exceed 500 mg per human adult. This equals about 2.5 bottles of wine... So there must be at least one other component, or a mixture, that contributes to the decrease in occurrence of cancer and high blood pressure prevention.
Flavonoids: Red grapes contain flavonoids, also powerful antioxidants that work as cancer preventives.
Anti-bacterial activity: In a study of 1800 people, scientists tested for the presence of Helicobacter pylori, which causes ulcer infections. Compared to non-drinkers, those who had one glass of wine a day had 7% fewer of these bacteria. Those who drink two glasses a day had 18%, and those who drank 3 or more glasses had 1/3 fewer bacteria. On the conto of tannins maybe?
Anti-stress: wine does have a calming influence (surprise, surprise). The fact that a dinner is accompanied by a drink which helps the body relax and unwind can help the mental transition between work and relaxation. Also, people fighting other illnesses can combat them better when calm and focused.
However, remains the question for the Health Board and researchers to clarify if red grape juice is as healthy as red wine. I'm not aware of published results that prove this hypothesis. During my study at the university some research has been carried out, of which the results show that the grape juice does have some positive effects, but not as profound as red wine. hihaa! Really, this is not just my selective memory speaking. During the preliminary research they didn't have the faintest idea for constructing a nice and plausible explanation for that, other then the scientifically correct description that goes something like this: "it is very likely a combination of well balanced different components and possibly environmental parameters acting together that influences the overall beneficial effect of red wine".
Conclusion
The net effect of drinking at least 2 to 3 glasses of wine a day is supposed to result in a healthier life.
The positive and a few negative aspect of wine, and red wine in particular.
Negative aspects
Alcohol: high alcohol consumption results in a higher blood pressure and may cause hypertension. It has a positive correlation with mouth- throat- and gullet (med. oesophagus) cancer; under certain circumstances with liver cancer and liver cirrhosis. But what is "high" or "too much"? This definition depends on the country you live in as well as you physiological condition. E.g. in the northern European countries, 2-3 glasses a day is considered more than enough, whereas the Mediterraneans think 5 glasses is still acceptable. Differences on a physiological basis: your body weight, dayly energy intake and the presence of ADH (= alcohol dehydrogenase, an enzyme in the stomach that degrades the alcohol before it can enter the blood stream).
Tannin: these compounds are plant polyphenols and may cause headaches. Tannins tend to bind starches while being digested. These starches are needed by the body to produce serotonin. In some people, who are extremely sensitive to their serotonin levels, it appears the lack of serotonin can lead to a migraine. It sort of "starves" the body for this type of raw material, much as not eating for many hours might lead this person to have the same migraine. Tannin sensitivity is also now thought to be cumulative - a person who begins life with no tannin sensitivities may yet develop one as he or she ages. People who are sensitive to tannins need to moderate their intake of tannins in all forms, and also be sure to eat a reasonable amount of food while ingesting tannins, so the binding affects of tannins do not cause undue stress.
But see also below at the positive aspects.
Sulfites: some people are sensitive to it.
That for the negative aspects, now the more favourable and pleasurable facts of red wine
Positive aspects
Reducing coronary heart diseases: the wine is altering the blood lipid levels. It lowers the total cholesterol count, and raises the high density lipoprotein (HD levels. This is supported by epidemiological studies: the polyphenols may be involved in this cardioprotective effect because of their antioxidant and free radical scavenging properties, resulting in decreased generation of oxidized lipids. The tested red wine extracts (cabernet-sauvignon grape variety) elicited enhanced NO generation, cyclic GMP accumulation and endothelium-dependent relaxation in rat aortic rings. Both anthocyanins and oligomeric condensed tannins appeared to be involved. Among the anthocyanins, delphinidin, but not malvidin or cyanidin, produced endothelial NO-dependent vasorelaxation (aka: it smooths the muscles of the blood vessels), indicating that only some specific structures are able to cause endothelium-dependent vasorelaxation, independently of their antioxidant properties. To achieve this effect, extracellular Ca2+ (=calcium ion) is needed for activation (of endothelial NO synthase activation). Summarizing: their findings suggest that one of the mechanisms of the cardioprotective effects of red wine and other plants containing polyphenols may be the increase in endothelial NO production induced by oligomeric condensed tannins and anthocyanins.
Red wine maintains the immune system: According to a study published by the University of Florida, red wine does not suppress the immune system like other alcoholic beverages. A two month study on mice has been performed to examine what immune system reactions red wine caused on mammals. The team examined mice of various drinking levels - non-drinkers, red wine drinkers, and heavy alcohol drinkers. They found that those who drank the red wine had a normal level of immunity, the same as that of the non-drinking mice. (The level of red wine consumption for the mice would equal that of a human drinking two or three glasses a night. But at the moment of writing (2001) they don't have a clue which compounds in red wine is causing this, but I'd go for the tannins.
Polyphenols in wine: like the tannin mentioned above, do have a positive effect on your body as well: they are excellent antioxidants. In short: they lower total cholesterol and blood pressure, lessen risks of cancer, stimulate the immune system, and have anti-bacterial properties. See the above mentioned aspects for more detail.
Resveratrol (trans-3,5,4'-trihydroxystilbene): is a naturally occurring antioxidant too that decreases the stickiness of blood platelets and helps blood vessels remain open and flexible. It is said that it inhibits the enzymes that can stimulate cancer-cell growth and suppress immune response. A series of laboratory experiments suggests the proof of this statement. However, this was only tested on animals. In another set of animal tests, resveratrol was shown to inhibit both the acute and chronic phases of inflammation (yet again the immune system). Wine is the primary dietary source of resveratrol, and red wine contains much greater amounts of resveratrol than does white wine, since resveratrol is concentrated in the grape skin and the manufacturing process of red wine includes prolonged contact with grape skins. Resveratrol has been used in connection with atherosclerosis too (a reduced risk of course).
Resveratrol is a phytoestrogen (= similar to estrogen, but from plant origin, and is known to inhibit tumors in the breast and uterus), but it differs from other phytoestrogens in that it acts as an estrogen agonist and stimulates ERE-driven reporter gene activity in CHO-K1 cells (I couldn't get access to ERE gene information, nor the exact description of CHO-K1 cells, but the context of the abstract implies increased DNA transcription activity of specific ERE-gene sequences in genetically modified(?) cells in rat uteri).
A brief calculation: a glass of red wine provides approximately 640 mcg of resveratrol, while a handful of peanuts provides about 73 mcg. The amount used in animals to prevent cancer, however, would exceed 500 mg per human adult. This equals about 2.5 bottles of wine... So there must be at least one other component, or a mixture, that contributes to the decrease in occurrence of cancer and high blood pressure prevention.
Flavonoids: Red grapes contain flavonoids, also powerful antioxidants that work as cancer preventives.
Anti-bacterial activity: In a study of 1800 people, scientists tested for the presence of Helicobacter pylori, which causes ulcer infections. Compared to non-drinkers, those who had one glass of wine a day had 7% fewer of these bacteria. Those who drink two glasses a day had 18%, and those who drank 3 or more glasses had 1/3 fewer bacteria. On the conto of tannins maybe?
Anti-stress: wine does have a calming influence (surprise, surprise). The fact that a dinner is accompanied by a drink which helps the body relax and unwind can help the mental transition between work and relaxation. Also, people fighting other illnesses can combat them better when calm and focused.
However, remains the question for the Health Board and researchers to clarify if red grape juice is as healthy as red wine. I'm not aware of published results that prove this hypothesis. During my study at the university some research has been carried out, of which the results show that the grape juice does have some positive effects, but not as profound as red wine. hihaa! Really, this is not just my selective memory speaking. During the preliminary research they didn't have the faintest idea for constructing a nice and plausible explanation for that, other then the scientifically correct description that goes something like this: "it is very likely a combination of well balanced different components and possibly environmental parameters acting together that influences the overall beneficial effect of red wine".
Conclusion
The net effect of drinking at least 2 to 3 glasses of wine a day is supposed to result in a healthier life.
Drink ALcohol
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, alcohol would be it.
The long-term benefits of alcohol have been consistently misunderstood by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own drunken experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance until it's faded.
But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself puking in a gutter and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much alcohol you drank and how fabulous it really was.
You are not as sick as you imagine.
Don't worry about where the next beer is coming from. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to pull a page three model after 15 pints of Stella.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your drink-addled mind, like the unexpected lack of ale in the fridge on some idle Tuesday.
Drink one thing every day that scares you.
Sing badly.
Be reckless when buying other people drinks. Don't put up with people who are reckless when buying yours.
Gargle.
Don't waste your time on shandy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only to the bar.
Make up compliments you received. Return the insults. If you don't succeed in doing this drink more beer now. Keep your old ring pulls. Throw away your old cans.
Wretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know when you might dry-out in you life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 when they would sober up. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still haven't.
Get plenty of kebabs.
Don't be too kind to your liver. You'll hardly miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll pull, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll get some bird up the duff, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll enter rehab at 40, maybe you'll dance the nude conga at your 75th University Reunion.
Whatever you do, congratulate yourself far too much and berate others. Your choices are half alcohol influenced. So are everybody else's. Enjoy someone else's body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what the lads might think of it. It's probably the only time you'll ever pull.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but on the street with a can of Special Brew.
Ignore the directions, don't ever follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, just cut out the pictures and put them on your wall.
Get to know your parents. You never know when you'll have to tap them for some cash.
Be nice to your barman. They're your best link to the bar and the person most likely to stop you getting your head kicked by a bouncer when paralytic in the future.
Understand that favorite drinks come and go, but with a precious flammable few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in strength and consistency, because the older you get, the harder it will be to neck ales like when you were young.
Live in London once, but leave before it makes you a ponce. Live in Liverpool once, but leave before everything you own gets stolen.
Dribble.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Beer prices will rise. Bouncers will throw you out. You, too, will get a hangover. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, bouncers couldn't catch you, and hangovers were NEVER as bad as this.
Respect alcoholics. Don't expect anyone else to buy you a beer.
Maybe you'll have a huge overdraft. Maybe you'll have a wealthy bird. But you never know when either one might stop getting you pissed.
Don't mess too much with alcopops or by the time you're 25 you will look like a faggot.
Be careful whose cheap booze you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Cheap booze is a form of rip-off. Dispensing it is a way of fishing old stock from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the sell-by date and re-selling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the alcohol.
The long-term benefits of alcohol have been consistently misunderstood by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own drunken experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance until it's faded.
But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself puking in a gutter and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much alcohol you drank and how fabulous it really was.
You are not as sick as you imagine.
Don't worry about where the next beer is coming from. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to pull a page three model after 15 pints of Stella.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your drink-addled mind, like the unexpected lack of ale in the fridge on some idle Tuesday.
Drink one thing every day that scares you.
Sing badly.
Be reckless when buying other people drinks. Don't put up with people who are reckless when buying yours.
Gargle.
Don't waste your time on shandy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only to the bar.
Make up compliments you received. Return the insults. If you don't succeed in doing this drink more beer now. Keep your old ring pulls. Throw away your old cans.
Wretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know when you might dry-out in you life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 when they would sober up. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still haven't.
Get plenty of kebabs.
Don't be too kind to your liver. You'll hardly miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll pull, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll get some bird up the duff, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll enter rehab at 40, maybe you'll dance the nude conga at your 75th University Reunion.
Whatever you do, congratulate yourself far too much and berate others. Your choices are half alcohol influenced. So are everybody else's. Enjoy someone else's body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what the lads might think of it. It's probably the only time you'll ever pull.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but on the street with a can of Special Brew.
Ignore the directions, don't ever follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, just cut out the pictures and put them on your wall.
Get to know your parents. You never know when you'll have to tap them for some cash.
Be nice to your barman. They're your best link to the bar and the person most likely to stop you getting your head kicked by a bouncer when paralytic in the future.
Understand that favorite drinks come and go, but with a precious flammable few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in strength and consistency, because the older you get, the harder it will be to neck ales like when you were young.
Live in London once, but leave before it makes you a ponce. Live in Liverpool once, but leave before everything you own gets stolen.
Dribble.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Beer prices will rise. Bouncers will throw you out. You, too, will get a hangover. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, bouncers couldn't catch you, and hangovers were NEVER as bad as this.
Respect alcoholics. Don't expect anyone else to buy you a beer.
Maybe you'll have a huge overdraft. Maybe you'll have a wealthy bird. But you never know when either one might stop getting you pissed.
Don't mess too much with alcopops or by the time you're 25 you will look like a faggot.
Be careful whose cheap booze you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Cheap booze is a form of rip-off. Dispensing it is a way of fishing old stock from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the sell-by date and re-selling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the alcohol.
'Tough Guy' Sheriff Joe Arpaio
I know some of these conditions appear cruel
but isn't it time we treated criminals as exactly what they are - criminals!
Perhaps when they get out they will be reformed
instead of continuing to be a drain on our taxes!
'Tough Guy' Sheriff Joe Arpaio
Netlore Archive: Email flier recounts the controversial accomplishments of 'tough-guy' Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona
Description: Email flier
Circulating since: June 2004
Status: True
Analysis: See below
Suject: Go Arizona!!
GO ARIZONA
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports:
About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the MaricopaCountyJailhave been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.
Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.
"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 1/2 years. "It's inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic.
He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes . . . so shut your ___________ mouths."
KIND OF PUTS THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE DOESN'T IT?
Variant #2:
Email example contributed by Richard D., 23 December 2004:
Subject: Fw: Sheriff Joe - Re-elected
Shierff Joe - Re-elected
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO - HE IS THE MARICOPA COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER.
THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail":
He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.
He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights. Cut off all but "G" movies.
He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.
Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.
He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.
When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.
He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.
When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."
He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.
When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.
More on the Arizona Sheriff:
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.
Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.
"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 ½ years. "It's inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"
Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.
Comments: While not everyone who reads the above will join in offering kudos to Maricopa County's "tough-guy Sheriff" Joe Arpaio, the recitation of his controversial policies and public utterances is mostly accurate. Indeed, much of the material is excerpted verbatim from press coverage of Arpaio's 12-year (and counting) term.
Many of the claims are also confirmed in Arpaio's official biography:
On August 3, 1993, he started the nation's largest Tent City for convicted inmates. Over 2000 convicted men and women serve their sentences in a canvas incarceration compound. It is a remarkable success story and has garnered the attention of government officials and media worldwide.
The same is true for his chain gangs which work six days a week contributing thousands of dollars of free labor to the community. The male chain gang and the world's first ever female chain gang clean streets, paint over graffiti, and bury the indigent in the county cemetery.
Equally impressive are the Sheriff's get tough policies. Arpaio doesn't believe in coddling criminals, frequently saying that jails should not be country clubs. He banned smoking, coffee, pornographic magazines, movies and unrestricted television in all jails. He has the cheapest meals in the country too. The average inmate meal costs under 20 cents.
Arpaio's statement comparing prison conditions to the hardships of soldiers fighting in Iraq - "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and the soldiers are living in tents and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your mouths" - was originally cited in a July 25, 2003 article from the Associated Press.
It should be noted that while Sheriff Joe Arpaio obviously has plenty of ardent supporters, he also has vehement detractors, including the Phoenix New Times, which has chronicled what it calls Arpaio's "serious abuse of power" for over a decade, and a political action committee devoted to recalling him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know some of these conditions appear cruel
but isn't it time we treated criminals as exactly what they are - criminals!
Perhaps when they get out they will be reformed
instead of continuing to be a drain on our taxes!
'Tough Guy' Sheriff Joe Arpaio
Netlore Archive: Email flier recounts the controversial accomplishments of 'tough-guy' Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona
Description: Email flier
Circulating since: June 2004
Status: True
Analysis: See below
Suject: Go Arizona!!
GO ARIZONA
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports:
About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the MaricopaCountyJailhave been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.
Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.
"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 1/2 years. "It's inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic.
He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes . . . so shut your ___________ mouths."
KIND OF PUTS THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE DOESN'T IT?
Variant #2:
Email example contributed by Richard D., 23 December 2004:
Subject: Fw: Sheriff Joe - Re-elected
Shierff Joe - Re-elected
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO - HE IS THE MARICOPA COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER.
THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail":
He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.
He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights. Cut off all but "G" movies.
He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.
Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.
He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.
When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.
He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.
When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."
He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.
When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.
More on the Arizona Sheriff:
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.
Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.
"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 ½ years. "It's inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"
Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.
Comments: While not everyone who reads the above will join in offering kudos to Maricopa County's "tough-guy Sheriff" Joe Arpaio, the recitation of his controversial policies and public utterances is mostly accurate. Indeed, much of the material is excerpted verbatim from press coverage of Arpaio's 12-year (and counting) term.
Many of the claims are also confirmed in Arpaio's official biography:
On August 3, 1993, he started the nation's largest Tent City for convicted inmates. Over 2000 convicted men and women serve their sentences in a canvas incarceration compound. It is a remarkable success story and has garnered the attention of government officials and media worldwide.
The same is true for his chain gangs which work six days a week contributing thousands of dollars of free labor to the community. The male chain gang and the world's first ever female chain gang clean streets, paint over graffiti, and bury the indigent in the county cemetery.
Equally impressive are the Sheriff's get tough policies. Arpaio doesn't believe in coddling criminals, frequently saying that jails should not be country clubs. He banned smoking, coffee, pornographic magazines, movies and unrestricted television in all jails. He has the cheapest meals in the country too. The average inmate meal costs under 20 cents.
Arpaio's statement comparing prison conditions to the hardships of soldiers fighting in Iraq - "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and the soldiers are living in tents and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your mouths" - was originally cited in a July 25, 2003 article from the Associated Press.
It should be noted that while Sheriff Joe Arpaio obviously has plenty of ardent supporters, he also has vehement detractors, including the Phoenix New Times, which has chronicled what it calls Arpaio's "serious abuse of power" for over a decade, and a political action committee devoted to recalling him.
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Origins of profanities
Common examples of profanity:Several of these words come from Anglo-Saxon words for bodily functions. They came to be thought of as profanity mostly after the Normans brought French and Latin words for them to England.
Fuck
An exclamation which shows distress or surprise (usually a bad surprise). It can also be used to express anger or surprise. To fuck is also a verb meaning to have sex, or to steal from someone or to destroy or break something.
Shit
Human excrement (feces, poo). As an exclamation, it is similar to "fuck". It can be used to refer to any object, although it is often used in reference to drugs or music. Also a verb.
Crap
Excrement (see above), usually human but also animal. It is usually considered mild profanity.
Ass
(U.K - Arse, from Anglo-Saxon ears) - hind parts of a human. usage: 'get your ass out of here', 'you are such an ass', 'kiss my ass'.
Asshole
(U.K - Arsehole) ― Anus; used to describe a nasty person.
Piss
as in "pissed off" - angry, annoyed. Also means urine (pee).
Bitch
Means female dog or prostitute; but is usually a nasty name for a person, most of the time, a woman.
Bastard
A term for a child who was born to unmarried parents, also used as an impolite insult.
Motherfucker
a highly offensive insult, not used literally, but in the sense of Bastard.
Pussy
refers to the vagina and also to a weak man.
Cunt
A vagina. Also used as an offensive term for a woman or man.
Nigger
A very offensive term for black people, used in a racist way. The term is also common in the acts of black comedians, an occurrence that is not even recent. Richard Pryor was using "nigger" onstage 20 years ago, and Dick Gregory (a staunch civil rights supporter) used the word as the title of his 1964 autobiography. (On the dedication page Gregory wrote, "Dear Mama, Wherever you are, if you ever hear the word 'nigger' again, remember they are advertising my book.")
Slut
A very offensive term for women, similar to bitch.
Hell
This means the underworld or a place of punishment in the afterlife for wicked people according to many religions, but is also used as profanity by some people.
Damn
Used to show disappointment or surprise. It is commonly considered mild profanity.
Fuck
An exclamation which shows distress or surprise (usually a bad surprise). It can also be used to express anger or surprise. To fuck is also a verb meaning to have sex, or to steal from someone or to destroy or break something.
Shit
Human excrement (feces, poo). As an exclamation, it is similar to "fuck". It can be used to refer to any object, although it is often used in reference to drugs or music. Also a verb.
Crap
Excrement (see above), usually human but also animal. It is usually considered mild profanity.
Ass
(U.K - Arse, from Anglo-Saxon ears) - hind parts of a human. usage: 'get your ass out of here', 'you are such an ass', 'kiss my ass'.
Asshole
(U.K - Arsehole) ― Anus; used to describe a nasty person.
Piss
as in "pissed off" - angry, annoyed. Also means urine (pee).
Bitch
Means female dog or prostitute; but is usually a nasty name for a person, most of the time, a woman.
Bastard
A term for a child who was born to unmarried parents, also used as an impolite insult.
Motherfucker
a highly offensive insult, not used literally, but in the sense of Bastard.
Pussy
refers to the vagina and also to a weak man.
Cunt
A vagina. Also used as an offensive term for a woman or man.
Nigger
A very offensive term for black people, used in a racist way. The term is also common in the acts of black comedians, an occurrence that is not even recent. Richard Pryor was using "nigger" onstage 20 years ago, and Dick Gregory (a staunch civil rights supporter) used the word as the title of his 1964 autobiography. (On the dedication page Gregory wrote, "Dear Mama, Wherever you are, if you ever hear the word 'nigger' again, remember they are advertising my book.")
Slut
A very offensive term for women, similar to bitch.
Hell
This means the underworld or a place of punishment in the afterlife for wicked people according to many religions, but is also used as profanity by some people.
Damn
Used to show disappointment or surprise. It is commonly considered mild profanity.
Profanities cussing and swearing
Profanity is using an explicit word. Profanity can also be called swear words, curse words, foul language, dirty words or cussing. It is a sad day when a bully can turn around and accuse you of swearing when you express the fact that a situation makes you feel pissed off!
Oops sorry forgot we are not supposed to have feelings!
Some people use profanity to show that they have strong feelings, such as anger.
At other times, some people may use profanity to be funny.
Some people get a mental condition where they use profanity constantly. This is called coprolalia, but many people wrongly think this is called Tourette's syndrome. Tourette's syndrome is actually a group of disorders that only includes coprolalia 15% of the time.
Some people call profanity "crude", but some bring up the point that it is not as crude to say "damn !" then "puke !"
People who use profanity do not always mean to make anybody feel bad. Profanity can be rude at times and people can take it the wrong way.
Oops sorry forgot we are not supposed to have feelings!
Some people use profanity to show that they have strong feelings, such as anger.
At other times, some people may use profanity to be funny.
Some people get a mental condition where they use profanity constantly. This is called coprolalia, but many people wrongly think this is called Tourette's syndrome. Tourette's syndrome is actually a group of disorders that only includes coprolalia 15% of the time.
Some people call profanity "crude", but some bring up the point that it is not as crude to say "damn !" then "puke !"
People who use profanity do not always mean to make anybody feel bad. Profanity can be rude at times and people can take it the wrong way.
Politically correct PC terms
Politically Correct (PC) Terms:
A Criminal - unsavory character
A Crook - morally (ethically) challenged
Abortion - Near-Life Experience
Alcoholic - Anti-Sobriety Activist
Alive - temporarily metabolically abled.
An Immigrant - a newcomer
Assassination - involuntary term limitation
Bald - comb-free
Bald - folically independent
Bald - follicularly challenged.
Battle Fatigued - shellshocked
Blind - optically darker
Blind - photonically non-receptive
Blind - visually challenged
Body Odor - nondiscretionary fragrance.
Broken Down Automobile - mechanically challenged
Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
Bum - Displaced Homeowner
Bum - Homeless Person
Bum - Involuntarily Domiciled
Cannibalism - Intra-Species Dining
Censorship - Selective Speech
Cheating - Academic Dishonesty
China - Porcelain
Chronically Late - Temporarily Challenged
Clumsy - uniquely coordinated
Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper
Computer Illiterate - Technologically Challenged
Corpse - Permanently Static Post-Human Mass
Corpse / Stiff - Metabolically Challenged
Corpse / Stiff - Terminally Inconvenienced
Cowardly - Challenge Challenged
Cowboys - bovine control officers
Crackpot - certified astrological consultant, certified crystal therapist, or certified past-life regression hypnotist
Crime Rate - street activity index
Dead - Actuarially Mature
Dead - biologically challenged
Dead - environmentally correct human
Dead - living impaired
Dead - metabolically challenged
Dead - persons living with entropy
Deaf - Visually Oriented
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm
Dirty Old Man - sexually focused chronologically gifted individual
Dish Washer - utensil sanitizer
Dishonest - Ethically disoriented.
Dorm - Residence Hall
Drooling Drunk Idiot - person on floor
Drowning - aquatically challenged
Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged
Drunk - spacially perplexed
Drunk / Junkie - in recovery
Earthquake - geological correction
Fail - achieve a deficiency.
Fat - Differently Weighted
Fat - gravitationally challenged
Fat - horizontally challenged.
Fat - horizontally gifted
Fat - People of Mass
Fat - person of substance
Fictional / Mythological - ontologically challenged
Freshman - first-year student
Frog - amphibian American
Full of Crap - fecally plenary
Gang - Youth Group
Garbage Man - sanitation engineer
Gas Station Attendent - petroleum transfer technician
Geek, Nerd, whatever... - socially challenged
Ghetto / Barrio - Ethnically Homogenous Area
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh
Handicapped - Differently Abled, Handi-Capable
Having PMS - cyclically challenged
Hearing Person - temporarily aurally abled
Homeless - outdoor urban dwellers
Homeless - residentially flexible
Homelessness - Mortgage-Free Living
Housebroken - Family Disfunction
Housewife - domestic engineer
Hunter - Animal Assassin
Hunter - Bambi Butcher
Hunter - Meat Mercenary
Ignorant - factually unencumbered
Ignorant - knowledge-based nonpossessor.
Incompetent - Differently Qualified
Incompetent - Specially Skilled
Incompetent - Uniquely Proficient
Insane People - Mental Explorers
Insane People - Selectively Perceptive
Insult - Emotional Rape
Janitor - sanitation engineer
Klutz - kinesthetically challenged
Large Nose - nasally gifted
Lazy - motivationally dispossessed
Lazy - motivationally deficient.
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Library - Educational Resource Center
Logger - Wood Weasel
Logger - Paper Pirate
Logger -Treeslayer
Loser - Second Place
Loser - uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path
Man-hole - maintenance hole
Mankind - humankind
MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children
Mercy Killing - Euthanasia
Mercy Killing - Putting Down/To Sleep/Out of Misery
Messy - differently organized
Meter Maid - Parking enforcer
Midget / Dwarf - Little People
Midget / Dwarf - Vertically Challenged
Mute/Dumb - verbally challenged
Not with somebody at the moment - romantically challenged -
Off - energy-efficient
Old - chronologically gifted
Old Person / Elderly - Gerontologically Advanced
Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens
Panhandler - Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.
Paper Bag - processed tree carcass
Perverted - Sexually dysfunctional.
Pimp-mobile / Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
Plagiarism - Previously Owned Prose
Po' - financially inept
Policeman, Policewoman - law inforcement officer
Poor - economically marginalized
Poor - Economically Unprepared
Poor - monetarily challenged
Postman - letter carrier
Pregnant - parasitically oppressed.
Prisoner - client of the correctional system
Prostitute - sex care provider
Psychobabble - constructivist feminist psychotherapy
Psychopath - socially misaligned
Racist - genetically discriminating
Really Big Nosed - nasally disadvantaged
Redneck - person of region
Redneck - rustically inclined
Refugees - asylum seekers
Road Kill - Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form
Rudeness - Tact Avoidance
Runny Nose - nasally gifted
Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim
Serial-Killer - Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Shoplifter - Cost-of-Living Adjustment Specialist
Short - vertically challenged
Sighted Person - temporarily visually abled
Slum - Economic Oppression Zone
Slut - suffering from a sex addiction (female)
Someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone - morally handicapped
Spendthrift - negative saver.
Stained - creatively re-dyed
Steward, Stewardess - flight attendant
Stoned - Chemically inconvenienced.
Stud - suffering from a sex addiction (male)
Stupid - differently-brained
Stupid - intellectually impaired
The Elderly - Senior citizens
Thin - horizontally challenged
Thirsty - osmotically challenged
Tone Deaf - musically delayed
Too old/young - other aged
Too Tall - people of height
Tree-Hugger - environmental activist
Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units
Ugly - aesthetically challenged
Ugly - Cosmetically different.
Ugly - facially challenged
Unemployed - Involuntarily leisured.
Used Books - Recycled Books
Vagrant - Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Vegetable - noble unconscious hero
Vice President - Post-Coronary Leader of the Free World
Vocal Minority - target equity group
Vomiting - Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices
Waiter, Waitress - food server
War-Monger - Peacekeeper, patriot
Welfare Bum - economically disadvantaged
Whaler - Blubber Lover
White - melanin-impoverished
White American - racially challenged
White Boy - rhythmically challenged
White Trash - caucasian culturally-disadvantaged
Wife - unpaid sex slave
Worst - least best.
Wrong - differently logical.
A Criminal - unsavory character
A Crook - morally (ethically) challenged
Abortion - Near-Life Experience
Alcoholic - Anti-Sobriety Activist
Alive - temporarily metabolically abled.
An Immigrant - a newcomer
Assassination - involuntary term limitation
Bald - comb-free
Bald - folically independent
Bald - follicularly challenged.
Battle Fatigued - shellshocked
Blind - optically darker
Blind - photonically non-receptive
Blind - visually challenged
Body Odor - nondiscretionary fragrance.
Broken Down Automobile - mechanically challenged
Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
Bum - Displaced Homeowner
Bum - Homeless Person
Bum - Involuntarily Domiciled
Cannibalism - Intra-Species Dining
Censorship - Selective Speech
Cheating - Academic Dishonesty
China - Porcelain
Chronically Late - Temporarily Challenged
Clumsy - uniquely coordinated
Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper
Computer Illiterate - Technologically Challenged
Corpse - Permanently Static Post-Human Mass
Corpse / Stiff - Metabolically Challenged
Corpse / Stiff - Terminally Inconvenienced
Cowardly - Challenge Challenged
Cowboys - bovine control officers
Crackpot - certified astrological consultant, certified crystal therapist, or certified past-life regression hypnotist
Crime Rate - street activity index
Dead - Actuarially Mature
Dead - biologically challenged
Dead - environmentally correct human
Dead - living impaired
Dead - metabolically challenged
Dead - persons living with entropy
Deaf - Visually Oriented
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm
Dirty Old Man - sexually focused chronologically gifted individual
Dish Washer - utensil sanitizer
Dishonest - Ethically disoriented.
Dorm - Residence Hall
Drooling Drunk Idiot - person on floor
Drowning - aquatically challenged
Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged
Drunk - spacially perplexed
Drunk / Junkie - in recovery
Earthquake - geological correction
Fail - achieve a deficiency.
Fat - Differently Weighted
Fat - gravitationally challenged
Fat - horizontally challenged.
Fat - horizontally gifted
Fat - People of Mass
Fat - person of substance
Fictional / Mythological - ontologically challenged
Freshman - first-year student
Frog - amphibian American
Full of Crap - fecally plenary
Gang - Youth Group
Garbage Man - sanitation engineer
Gas Station Attendent - petroleum transfer technician
Geek, Nerd, whatever... - socially challenged
Ghetto / Barrio - Ethnically Homogenous Area
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh
Handicapped - Differently Abled, Handi-Capable
Having PMS - cyclically challenged
Hearing Person - temporarily aurally abled
Homeless - outdoor urban dwellers
Homeless - residentially flexible
Homelessness - Mortgage-Free Living
Housebroken - Family Disfunction
Housewife - domestic engineer
Hunter - Animal Assassin
Hunter - Bambi Butcher
Hunter - Meat Mercenary
Ignorant - factually unencumbered
Ignorant - knowledge-based nonpossessor.
Incompetent - Differently Qualified
Incompetent - Specially Skilled
Incompetent - Uniquely Proficient
Insane People - Mental Explorers
Insane People - Selectively Perceptive
Insult - Emotional Rape
Janitor - sanitation engineer
Klutz - kinesthetically challenged
Large Nose - nasally gifted
Lazy - motivationally dispossessed
Lazy - motivationally deficient.
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Library - Educational Resource Center
Logger - Wood Weasel
Logger - Paper Pirate
Logger -Treeslayer
Loser - Second Place
Loser - uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path
Man-hole - maintenance hole
Mankind - humankind
MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children
Mercy Killing - Euthanasia
Mercy Killing - Putting Down/To Sleep/Out of Misery
Messy - differently organized
Meter Maid - Parking enforcer
Midget / Dwarf - Little People
Midget / Dwarf - Vertically Challenged
Mute/Dumb - verbally challenged
Not with somebody at the moment - romantically challenged -
Off - energy-efficient
Old - chronologically gifted
Old Person / Elderly - Gerontologically Advanced
Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens
Panhandler - Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.
Paper Bag - processed tree carcass
Perverted - Sexually dysfunctional.
Pimp-mobile / Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
Plagiarism - Previously Owned Prose
Po' - financially inept
Policeman, Policewoman - law inforcement officer
Poor - economically marginalized
Poor - Economically Unprepared
Poor - monetarily challenged
Postman - letter carrier
Pregnant - parasitically oppressed.
Prisoner - client of the correctional system
Prostitute - sex care provider
Psychobabble - constructivist feminist psychotherapy
Psychopath - socially misaligned
Racist - genetically discriminating
Really Big Nosed - nasally disadvantaged
Redneck - person of region
Redneck - rustically inclined
Refugees - asylum seekers
Road Kill - Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form
Rudeness - Tact Avoidance
Runny Nose - nasally gifted
Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim
Serial-Killer - Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Shoplifter - Cost-of-Living Adjustment Specialist
Short - vertically challenged
Sighted Person - temporarily visually abled
Slum - Economic Oppression Zone
Slut - suffering from a sex addiction (female)
Someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone - morally handicapped
Spendthrift - negative saver.
Stained - creatively re-dyed
Steward, Stewardess - flight attendant
Stoned - Chemically inconvenienced.
Stud - suffering from a sex addiction (male)
Stupid - differently-brained
Stupid - intellectually impaired
The Elderly - Senior citizens
Thin - horizontally challenged
Thirsty - osmotically challenged
Tone Deaf - musically delayed
Too old/young - other aged
Too Tall - people of height
Tree-Hugger - environmental activist
Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units
Ugly - aesthetically challenged
Ugly - Cosmetically different.
Ugly - facially challenged
Unemployed - Involuntarily leisured.
Used Books - Recycled Books
Vagrant - Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Vegetable - noble unconscious hero
Vice President - Post-Coronary Leader of the Free World
Vocal Minority - target equity group
Vomiting - Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices
Waiter, Waitress - food server
War-Monger - Peacekeeper, patriot
Welfare Bum - economically disadvantaged
Whaler - Blubber Lover
White - melanin-impoverished
White American - racially challenged
White Boy - rhythmically challenged
White Trash - caucasian culturally-disadvantaged
Wife - unpaid sex slave
Worst - least best.
Wrong - differently logical.
Mind your ps and qs
This expression, meaning "be very careful to behave correctly", has been in use from the 17th century on.
Theories include:
an admonishment to children learning to write;
an admonishment to typesetters (who had to look at the letters reversed);
an admonishment to seamen not to soil their navy pea-jackets with their tarred "queues" (pigtails);
"mind your pints and quarts";
"mind your prices and quality";
"mind your pieds and queues"
(either feet and pigtails, or two dancing figures that had to be accurately performed);
the substitution of /p/ for "qu" /kw/ in the
speech of uneducated ancient Romans;
or the confusion by students learning both Latin and Ancient Greek of such cognates as pente
and quintus.
The most plausible explanation is the one given in the latest edition of Collins English Dictionary: an alteration of
"Mind your 'please's and 'thank you's".
Theories include:
an admonishment to children learning to write;
an admonishment to typesetters (who had to look at the letters reversed);
an admonishment to seamen not to soil their navy pea-jackets with their tarred "queues" (pigtails);
"mind your pints and quarts";
"mind your prices and quality";
"mind your pieds and queues"
(either feet and pigtails, or two dancing figures that had to be accurately performed);
the substitution of /p/ for "qu" /kw/ in the
speech of uneducated ancient Romans;
or the confusion by students learning both Latin and Ancient Greek of such cognates as pente
and quintus.
The most plausible explanation is the one given in the latest edition of Collins English Dictionary: an alteration of
"Mind your 'please's and 'thank you's".
The way things are today
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more but enjoy less We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life, we've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; big men and small character; steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stock room.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say "I Love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment, for some day, that person will not be there again.
Give time to Love, give time to speak, give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life, we've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; big men and small character; steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stock room.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say "I Love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment, for some day, that person will not be there again.
Give time to Love, give time to speak, give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
Quiz of life
Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
Name the last five Heismann trophy winners.
Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor or actress.
Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is,
none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz.
See how you do on this one:
List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier?
The lesson?
The people who make a difference in your life
are not the ones with the most credentials,
the most money,
or the most awards.
They are the ones who care.
Name the last five Heismann trophy winners.
Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor or actress.
Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is,
none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz.
See how you do on this one:
List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier?
The lesson?
The people who make a difference in your life
are not the ones with the most credentials,
the most money,
or the most awards.
They are the ones who care.
wheelbarrow position
If you’re looking for a head rush - and you’re in an athletic mood!
The woman starts on all fours. The man, standing behind, picks her legs up and holds them, to leave the woman standing just on her hands. He then raises his partner to penetrate - or penetration can be achieved while he still has his hands free.
Penetration is deep and the wheelbarrow position is great to make a smaller man seem bigger. It’s also great for hitting the G-spot, and there’s the thrill of the rush of blood to the head. Some women love this. Beware though: if you start to feel dizzy, you need to stop - fainting during sex not being particularly sexy. Oh, and you need strong arms!
The woman starts on all fours. The man, standing behind, picks her legs up and holds them, to leave the woman standing just on her hands. He then raises his partner to penetrate - or penetration can be achieved while he still has his hands free.
Penetration is deep and the wheelbarrow position is great to make a smaller man seem bigger. It’s also great for hitting the G-spot, and there’s the thrill of the rush of blood to the head. Some women love this. Beware though: if you start to feel dizzy, you need to stop - fainting during sex not being particularly sexy. Oh, and you need strong arms!
Friday 13th
Friday the thirteenth is considered the unluckiest of days in many superstitions, unless you were born on Friday the thirteenth in which case it is your lucky day.
The fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia or paraskevidekatriaphobia, a specialized form of triskaidekaphobia, a phobia (fear) of the number thirteen.
One of the most commonly held superstitions in our so-called civilized, educated society is that Friday the 13th is an unlucky day, and since, in this equation, each is held to be unlucky, added together, their sum can only equal double trouble.
The modern basis for the aura that surrounds Friday the 13th stems from Friday October the 13th, 1307. On this date, the Pope of the church in Rome in Conjunction with the King of France, carried out a secret death warrant Against "the Knights Templar". The Templars were terminated as heretics, never again to hold the power that they had held for so long. There Grand Master, Jacques DeMolay, was arrested and before he was killed, was tortured and crucified.
Superstitions swirling around Friday as being lucky or unlucky have existed since ancient times, beginning with the northern nations. Ancient Romans dedicated the sixth day of the week to their beautiful, but vain, goddess Venus, so, when the Norsemen adopted the Roman method of naming days, they naturally adopted Venus as their name for the sixth day of the week. Their closest translation for Venus, Frigg, or Freya, eventually evolved into Friday, a day they considered to be the luckiest day of the week.
From a religious standpoint, Muslims tout Friday as the day Allah created Adam, legend has it that Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, the apple, on a Friday, and later died on a Friday, and Christians consider Friday as the day on which Christ was crucified by the Romans.
The Scandinavian belief that the number 13 signified bad luck sprang from their mythological 12 demigods, who were joined by a 13th demigod, Loki, an evil cruel one, who brought upon humans great misfortune. The number 13, in the Christian faith, is the number of parties at the Last Supper, with the 13th guest at the table being the traitor, Judas. When Christians combine this day and number, the combination can only hold special significance.
Whether or not a person considers Friday the 13th as unlucky, he or she must understand that this superstition, as well as others, merely stem from beliefs or practices man used, and continues to use, to explain, and to protect himself, from events beyond his control in his complicated world. He worked, and works only with the bag of knowledge he has on hand.
Only when factual, scientific bases for these beliefs are unearthed, and people do not dispel the beliefs, but instead cling to them, the beliefs become superstitions. Today's beliefs may very well be tomorrows superstitions. Until then, however, don't step on a crack!
Anyone else have Friday 13 origins?
The fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia or paraskevidekatriaphobia, a specialized form of triskaidekaphobia, a phobia (fear) of the number thirteen.
One of the most commonly held superstitions in our so-called civilized, educated society is that Friday the 13th is an unlucky day, and since, in this equation, each is held to be unlucky, added together, their sum can only equal double trouble.
The modern basis for the aura that surrounds Friday the 13th stems from Friday October the 13th, 1307. On this date, the Pope of the church in Rome in Conjunction with the King of France, carried out a secret death warrant Against "the Knights Templar". The Templars were terminated as heretics, never again to hold the power that they had held for so long. There Grand Master, Jacques DeMolay, was arrested and before he was killed, was tortured and crucified.
Superstitions swirling around Friday as being lucky or unlucky have existed since ancient times, beginning with the northern nations. Ancient Romans dedicated the sixth day of the week to their beautiful, but vain, goddess Venus, so, when the Norsemen adopted the Roman method of naming days, they naturally adopted Venus as their name for the sixth day of the week. Their closest translation for Venus, Frigg, or Freya, eventually evolved into Friday, a day they considered to be the luckiest day of the week.
From a religious standpoint, Muslims tout Friday as the day Allah created Adam, legend has it that Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, the apple, on a Friday, and later died on a Friday, and Christians consider Friday as the day on which Christ was crucified by the Romans.
The Scandinavian belief that the number 13 signified bad luck sprang from their mythological 12 demigods, who were joined by a 13th demigod, Loki, an evil cruel one, who brought upon humans great misfortune. The number 13, in the Christian faith, is the number of parties at the Last Supper, with the 13th guest at the table being the traitor, Judas. When Christians combine this day and number, the combination can only hold special significance.
Whether or not a person considers Friday the 13th as unlucky, he or she must understand that this superstition, as well as others, merely stem from beliefs or practices man used, and continues to use, to explain, and to protect himself, from events beyond his control in his complicated world. He worked, and works only with the bag of knowledge he has on hand.
Only when factual, scientific bases for these beliefs are unearthed, and people do not dispel the beliefs, but instead cling to them, the beliefs become superstitions. Today's beliefs may very well be tomorrows superstitions. Until then, however, don't step on a crack!
Anyone else have Friday 13 origins?
The lizard had survived
This is a true story that happened in Japan.
In order to renovate the house, someone in Japan tore open the wall. Japanese houses normally have a hollow space between the wooden walls. When tearing down the walls, he found that there was a lizard stuck there because a nail from outside was hammered into one of its feet. He saw this, felt pity, and at the same time he was curious. When he checked the nail, turns out, it was nailed 10 years ago when the house was first built.
What happened?
The lizard had survived in such a position for 10 years! In a dark wall partition for 10 years without moving, it is impossible and mind boggling. Then he wondered how this lizard survived for 10 years without moving a single step--since its foot was nailed!
So he stopped his work and observed the lizard, what it had been doing, and what and how it had been eating. Later, not knowing from where it came, appeared another lizard, with food in its mouth.
Ahh! He was stunned and at the same time, touched deeply. Another lizard had been feeding the stuck one for the past 10 years...
Such love, such a beautiful love! Such love happened with this tiny creature...
What can love do? It can do wonders! Love can perform miracles!
Just think about it; one lizard had been feeding the other one
untiringly for 10 long years, without giving up hope on its partner.
If a small creature like a lizard can love like this...
just imagine how we can love if we try!
In order to renovate the house, someone in Japan tore open the wall. Japanese houses normally have a hollow space between the wooden walls. When tearing down the walls, he found that there was a lizard stuck there because a nail from outside was hammered into one of its feet. He saw this, felt pity, and at the same time he was curious. When he checked the nail, turns out, it was nailed 10 years ago when the house was first built.
What happened?
The lizard had survived in such a position for 10 years! In a dark wall partition for 10 years without moving, it is impossible and mind boggling. Then he wondered how this lizard survived for 10 years without moving a single step--since its foot was nailed!
So he stopped his work and observed the lizard, what it had been doing, and what and how it had been eating. Later, not knowing from where it came, appeared another lizard, with food in its mouth.
Ahh! He was stunned and at the same time, touched deeply. Another lizard had been feeding the stuck one for the past 10 years...
Such love, such a beautiful love! Such love happened with this tiny creature...
What can love do? It can do wonders! Love can perform miracles!
Just think about it; one lizard had been feeding the other one
untiringly for 10 long years, without giving up hope on its partner.
If a small creature like a lizard can love like this...
just imagine how we can love if we try!
The inner fight
An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life...
He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
One wolf is evil--- he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, jealousy, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.
The other is good--- he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."
They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied,
"The one you feed."
He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
One wolf is evil--- he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, jealousy, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.
The other is good--- he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."
They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied,
"The one you feed."
Let's face it
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
Out of the Mouths of Sport's commentators
Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter)
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
(Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."
(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical."
(Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother."
Greg Norman)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)
"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"
(Metro Radio)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!"
(US PGA Commentator)
"For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown"
(Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)
.
(Alan Minter)
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
(Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."
(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical."
(Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother."
Greg Norman)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)
"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"
(Metro Radio)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!"
(US PGA Commentator)
"For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown"
(Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)
.
The human squirrel and grasshopper
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so,
while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing "We shall overcome".
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building
a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.
He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise im. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.
The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for
failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so,
while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing "We shall overcome".
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building
a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.
He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise im. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.
The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for
failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
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